This Tuesday made nine weeks of me, Kelley, being cigarette free. Did I quit smoking because I wanted to? No, I honestly didn’t. I quit because I needed to and felt like I owed it to me. To the body that is carrying me through the life that I hope will be longer without cigarettes.
Last night, I was really, really drunk, and I picked up one of Shawn’s butts from an ashtray, lit it and took two puffs.
One good thing is that my boyfriend smokes menthols and to me those have always been shit ass nasty. But I didn’t think that last night.
The hardest part about being a quitter is not that I still get cravings or urges… for example, within the past two weeks I’ve found myself swatting at Shawn’s smoke and feeling overall irritated by the fact that it even blew in my direction. There are no cravings–it’s just that the problem is that I never wanted to quit.
Quitting like I did has almost been a power trip, control. Control, control, control. Quitting made me feel like I was on top of things and it felt good and I got compliments on the strength of my will power. People commented on my tolerance to the smokers that surrounded me.
This post isn’t to come clean and say “Yeah, folks, I just ran to the gas station and bought myself a pack,” but to say doing that sounds like the best idea I’ve had in a while and I feel weak.
God, who knows. Whoooo knows, I’ve come so far and to think that I’m willing to cave so suddely makes me begin think less of myself. Addiction is so, so powerful, it’s something I’ve been surrounded by for what feels like a long time now… and even though I don’t consider myself to be an addict, sometimes I feel it.
I mean… it’s just a cigarette, right? *hangs head*
June 27th, 2008 at 6:47 pm
Don’t be so hard on yourself! You’ve done an AMAZING job! One butt doens’t make you a bad person. Just like somebody on a diet. If they go weeks and weeks of eating healthy and exercusing, having ONE piece of cake in a moment of weakness on ONE night is NOT that big a deal.
Just jump back on the bandwagon and pick up where you left off.
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June 27th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
Just be glad it isnt Heroin.
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June 27th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
9 weeks is something to be proud of to be smoke free, so you had 2 puffs from a cig butt, which is better then a whole cig as well..
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June 28th, 2008 at 1:42 am
This is my fear too; even though I did feel like I wanted to quit, I still in the back of mind tell myself that I actually enjoyed smoking. You didn’t smoke a whole cigarette and you were drunk so I think would be fairly easy for you to carry on as you were. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Its not that bad!
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June 28th, 2008 at 6:11 am
It has been what, almost 3 years for Eric and I, and we still have the craving, especially when we have drinks. :neutral:
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June 28th, 2008 at 7:16 am
Have you seen those commercials that are out now that basically say that smoking cigarettes is a nicotine addiction and how smokers should talk to their doctors?
You know, I have never known why tobacco was legal…well, other than the huge profits made from the tax every year…when it is WIDELY known to be addictive just by itself…and God only knows what additives tobacco companies add to it to make it even more addictive. I also have never understood why no one really cares? Its like..there is no shortage of information out there regarding the dangers of cigarette smoking and the highly addictive nature of smoking cigarettes and its just like..no one out there cares. There is no stigma attached to cigarette smokers, etc.
My attitude as far as addiction goes (this is ALL addictions) is as long as you really, truly are not hurting people around you…then there is not a whole lot you are doing wrong. If you are totally aware of the dangers, etc, etc and you make the conscious decision to continue smoking (or using or whatever) then that is your choice and its no ones business. See, with cigarette smoking it may not be any worse for your health than smoking pot, or doing whatever else, but..you are not committing crimes in order to get to your addiction, and you arent putting your family and friends through pain, worry, stress, etc.
But, honestly, after seeing granny go through what she went through at the hands of years and years of smoking cigarettes..I would rather see you NOT smoking because I would hate for us to be old hags and me have to see you go through all that and I would, without a doubt, be by your side the whole time but…it would suck so bad to watch you have to battle the same things we saw granny battle.
Now that I think about it..if me, you, Shawn and Soda all live to be old together (which I hope we do)…all three of yall smoke lol. And Soda smokes NASTY fuckin hobo cigarettes which has to be even worse than regular cigarettes..ugh.
I shoulda wrote this in my blog since its long enough to be its own damn entry.
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June 29th, 2008 at 12:01 am
Do you know how many times it takes the average smoker to really quit for good? Everyone slips up. Sometimes you just need a damn cigarette. That doesn’t mean you have no will power or that you’re out of control. You have a lot more balls than I do, that’s for sure. I get nervous if I only have a few left by 11pm or so. Mine isn’t as much a nicotine addiction (sure, that’s a part of it obv) as it is a comfort thing. I’m a weirdo.
Anyways, if you do slip up? Don’t beat yourself up over it!
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June 29th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
You are doing so good! Don’t get down about last night. I keep quitting, and it’s obviously not happening. Today’s day 2 and tomorrow I will probably fail. I always do.
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