Well, even though my car is about dead–or whatever the hell is wrong with it–I’m going to hold off on getting a new car–I think. I want one, real bad, I’ve wanted one for a while… but I’m finally in a place where am financially at ease. No fuckin money troubles here but it just figures that I’d end up with an issue that could change that. Shawn has offered to let me drive his car, Les has mentioned that it’s possible she can pick him up sometimes (he goes in earlier than me, I get off later than him) so maybe it will all work out allowing me time to actually think about what I want to do.

A weekend of almost going car shopping but then not has me wondering if it is supposed to be that way. What if my car is an easy fix? I really don’t want to spend an extra $300 a month for a new car (or whatever it may cost), but like Eric said, a car is what you need most. It’s hard to make money in this area without your own transportation. I’m just going to drive Shawn’s car for a bit to figure out what to do. I think I’ll even let my grandfather have a look at mine, I would feel SO shitty if it’s an easy fix and here I am with a new car.

Sometimes, I’m afraid I’d miss the beetle too much.

Grandpa just called. He’s going to look at it tomorrow while I’m at work. As much as I’ve wanted to rid myself of that car, I’d be more than relieved if he found that it was just something small. I’m feeling much happier now, and my depressed mood has slightly lifted. I’ve been sad all day, maybe it’s the rain, but mostly the thought that something always comes up when you’re feeling best. Last year I put 6K into that car and I’m not willing to do it again.

Yes, yes, I have mutual funds from my parents’ death 18 years ago. Yes, I never talk about it. Yes, I’m sitting on quite a bit of money that I don’t want to fucking spend anymore. This fact drives me fucking insane. I’ve been fucked over and put in bad positions where I’ve had no other choice but to spend it. I admit sometimes I took out extra to spend on things I didn’t need… but I don’t want to live like that. It’s been drilled into my head that it’s so important that it’s come to be more than just money to me. It’s a thought, an idea of what could have been. My brother and I were put through absolute fucking hell as children, hell most people can’t imagine, and I hang on to that money like it’s my only connection to my parents. It sickens me, nothing will ever come close.

Money shouldn’t have that affect on someone. Spend it and be done, it means nothing more. It makes me angry, really angry. Angry to the point that this feels like the first time I’ve even mentioned it on a blog where I’ve been writing for over a year.

Filed in Daily on Sunday, April 27, 2008 ·