I think I can safely say that I’ve spent a large percent of my life being a somewhat happy person. Despite all that has gone on and everything that me and Eric have been through, I always managed to look on the bright side. The more I grow, the more I’m noticing it’s getting hard not to dissect everything that happened once upon a time. I stay pretty caught up in it.

Today my grandfather mentioned that I’m tender hearted just like my mother was while I sobbed to him over the phone, because I just wasn’t sure how anything was going to work out. I’d been out looking houses, found one I really liked, and made an offer that was $10k higher than what he suggested. I went ahead and did it though, because I just want a home to live in. I just want to be comfortable with where I live, I can’t recall a time that I’ve ever felt like I was at home in my own house. Ever.

I had called to let him know that someone had offered higher than me, so he could stop shitting his pants, pronto. Somehow the conversation wound up in a different direction and was quite possibly the scariest conversation I’d ever had with him. I tried to explain to him that it can only mean so much to me considering the circumstances. That makes me feel awful in ways because I know there are people in the world who will struggle, or have to work hard to get something I’ve just been given. Throughout my life, so much emphasis has been put on THE MONEY that I feel as though the reason for it has been completely overlooked. I would give every cent of it just to even know what they were like.

But I think maybe he understood, or maybe I’ve been misunderstanding all along. He said that he doesn’t care about it, he just loves me and wants me to be happy. So much has gone on… I don’t know how credible that is, but I admit all I ever wanted was to be loved. I’m feeling much better. I’m not sure what that weight on my back was, but it’s definitely lighter. I don’t think I’m going to make a better offer on today’s dream house, though. Maybe next week.

p.s. - Modest Mouse couldn’t have been better to isten to while writing this.

Filed in Life, Personal on Monday, February 26, 2007 ·